When I was younger, I was a strong independent woman. From the age of 2, I was picking out my own clothes and finding new clothes that matched with the ones I had at home.
I was always playing dress up and dolls, always being confident.
Things changed when I got to school, mid primary school, I got a little bigger than the other girls, I wasn’t popular but that’s fine, I didn’t need confirmation constantly on who I am.
I hit high school and if you read any of my teen life you will know my confidence hit an all-time low. I didn’t like myself, how could anyone else like me?
I couldn’t even go to a fast food restaurant and order my own food, I didn’t have the confidence, I would rather go hungry.
Each time we moved, I took it as an opportunity to self-evaluate and change overnight. I was going a place where no one knew me, I could show them any side of me I wanted. I didn’t have to be who I had built myself up to be. I had a clean slate.
So I did. I became the me I wanted to be.
I stopped wearing black clothes and heavy makeup. I did a complete flip.I didn’t get stares in public anymore, I was starting to feel normal again. In return, I gained confidence.
I landed my first job. They had a sign up at the desk, advertising a job, I had just bought something to eat from them and we had grabbed a coffee too. I spoke to mum about it and she gave the little extra boost I needed to walk up and ask about the job. I had an interview on the spot and came for a trial day that next day. Halfway through the trial, I got the job.
I LOVED my job, I looked forward to it, every day! soon enough, I was working almost full-time hours, I was supervising the shop and even managed it while the owners went on holidays.
At this time I was out of school, well technically I was ‘homeschooled’, I could do my work and school at any time of day or night as long as it got sent in, in time to meet my deadlines, it was all good.
I was in year 11/12 of high school so I was at the end of my schooling experience.
I was doing okay. Work was great! and I was excelling at school but I wasn’t adjusting to living with my stepdad. My mum and Stepdad moved out. They moved into their own apartment and I was left in our home. I wasn’t abandoned or anything like that, I was happier.
Taking over the rent on the place, as well as living, I wanted a second job. I got a job in a supermarket. So I worked nights and weekends to make extra money to pay rent and live comfortably.
So now I have 1 full-time job, 1 part-time job, and full-time school work from home.
We lived in a complex building but before my mum moved out because she stayed with me for a month or so a couple times a week to make sure I was okay before she moved out for good, we moved into a single level home, just up the driveway.
We moved house less than 20 meters up the driveway to our new home. Which become my new home.
It was so much bigger than I needed but I loved it, I loved how modern it was and I had room to spread out.
It was three bedroom and two bathroom house, plenty big enough for one person. I had my room with my own bathroom, a study/spare room, and another spare room.
Even though I worked in the day, and worked at nights, then studied in between but sometimes, just sometimes, I felt alone.
It could happen while watching romantic movies, it could happen eating dinner, it even happened taking a shower, just an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
In the loneliness, I found me, I had time to find who I really was, after all, I was only with myself, no better time for self-reflection. I learned to love again, after the heartbreak and lead ons, the missed opportunities but most importantly, I learned to love me again. After the Self-Harm, Suicide and consumed by self-hate that I’d accumulated over the years, I had no choice but to work through it.
I was alone and I was overworked, I run myself into the ground with both work and schooling but I was happier than I’d ever been. Once you’re happy, happy with yourself, you will attract people that are good for you and good for your life.
Once I accepted myself, I found someone, the man I ended up marrying.
If you’re struggling with being overworked or drowning in yourself, take a step back, 5 minutes out of your day and do something for yourself, even if it is just a long shower.