What are the statistics these days? 50%? 60% or more marriages that lead to divorce? Which is horrible as it is, but divorce isn’t always just between the adults, the married ones. Once you’re married, it’s got to do with the kids you have together, the family on either sides of the marriage, while they’re not immediately the ones in the marriage, but its all effected.
My initial thoughts, when people go through divorce, is their kids. The most raw reason, i was, am a person who has divorced parents. Did it happen when i was super young and didn’t remember? No. Did it happen when i was late teens or early 20’s and could understand the fundamentals of serious relationship and their flaws? Also no.
My parents were rocky. Let me just say I was never neglected. But i was never subjected to the marriage flaws, so they thought. They wanted to make their marriage and marriage problems, their business, when it comes down to it, it was, and is.
It started off small, Little niggles at each other here and there, tense energy, avoiding one another for hours or sometimes even a day or two.
There was happy faces slapped on for us kids, which as appreciated, but i think adults misjudge how kids sense things, we aren’t and weren’t as naive as they thought we were. We can feel the shift in the household too.
One day in particular, in my head, i knew, my parents were over.
Growing up, we were an open household, showering with the door open, bathing, going to the toilet, you name it, no closed doors, meant no internal walls up, we can speak about anything.
The night before i day i knew, my father was having a bath, door open, it was normal. Mum was sitting next time him, they were having a discussion. They were there for a while, every time either of us kids came close to the bathroom or walked past, they stopped talking, pretended to do something else for those few seconds, which is increasingly obvious. It was out of character, which was concerning to me but i pushed it to the back of my head. I didn’t feel like we were going to be one of those families that become a statistic.
The day that followed, the day that stuck out in my head to be the day it was over.
Dad was home from work, mum was a stay at home mum so she was in her normal groove, making lunches, working around the house, doing whatever. But dad wasn’t as normal. He was in their bedroom, all day, just reading a book, which he never did, he was the type to be pottering around doing something, in his shed, up the road with friends, being barely there. On this day, he was very much there physically nut absent minded.
Mum was making roast pork for dinner, my absolute favourite at the time. I was so excited when i found out, i bounced up the hallway to tell dad. He barely looked up from his book, through my excitement and just went mhmm. Not even an answer. No look in the eyes, no communication, just a non committal answer. It kind of hurt my feelings.
For me, that was the moment it all changed, something clicked which sounds so cliche and random. I just observed how the family was working, the lack of communication rather. I took a step back and just watched, every detail from then, i picked up on it.
With out fail, Later that week, my dad was looking for rental homes, It set it in stone for me. it was over, our family was forever changed.
I remember sitting with my sister on the lounge, crying as dad moved his stuff out of our family home. We didn’t really know how or why our family was being broken, it was almost second nature, automatic, for us to blame ourselves.
Were we too much to handle and we broke our parents apart?
Did we say something to upset them enough to question their relationship?
What did we do?
Whatever thought process came to mind, it was always what i did and not what happened in their relationship.
Naturally, them living apart, gave them perspective, i guess. They began talking again, kissing, trying to mend it, for us, so we had both parents growing up. It just wasn’t the same.
I’m not sure on the time frame they tried to fix it, but it wasn’t too long before they realised it wasn’t working out.
I was happy to have 2 parents, living separately, divorced being happy in their lives, then having two parents force being together thinking it was right for us.
It wasn’t a messy divorce. It was clean and straight forward.
Something i wasn’t prepared for, was the backlash that i would potentially get at school, at work or by my future parents in law.
Apparently, by having divorced parents, it means that my marriage, before it even happened, was doomed.
That was the hardest hurdle to overcome. 10+ years later, when i was planning my own wedding, the relationship between my parents was everyone else business.
Heres the facts.
Your parents divorce is not your fault.
Nothing you did caused any of it.
Your parents divorce is no one else’s business.
Your parents divorce, doesn’t mean your marriage will end in divorce.
If you’re struggling and need to talk to someone.
There is always someone who cares.
Lifeline 13 11 14 Australia
Samaritans 116 123 UK
Crisis Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) USA