I was never a super slim person, i was quite active as a kid, i was in netball in primary school. I never excelled at physical education in school but i wasn’t the slowest, i was kind of mediocre, i would say.
I never let my weight stop me rom giving everything a go. In primary school, year 6, the last year before high school. We had a new teacher, we hated him at first, but that was just how we reacted to getting someone as a teacher that we didn’t want.
He was different, he had different teaching methods to what we were used to. In saying that, he had different PE games we could play. We were apprehensive at first but we warmed up to the idea of new things and gave it a try. We actually ended up loving it and persisted on doing PE all day instead of class work.
With loving PE, exercising a lot, without even realise we were! without fail, without trying, i lost a fair bit of weight. I wasn’t trying, i was kind of blind to it until my school uniform became so loose. It wasn’t a bad thing, i felt like i kind of fit in with all the slimmer girls for a while, it was so nice.
Fast forward to high school, which wasn’t that far ahead. I’m in year 7, the first year of high school. I’ve got my first boyfriend, click here to read that story, its essential to this story.
Now that you’ve read about my first boyfriend, you’ll know he pushed me down the stairs and broke both my ankles.
I was home, for days, weeks, months, over 3 months i was home from school, trying to heal from my ankles.
I couldn’t walk, i couldn’t bathe alone, i just sat and ate. I had borrows crutches but they’re no use if you don’t have a leg to use.
From morning to night, i would sit. Whether i was at the computer or in front of the tv. I was sitting down.
With minimal to no exercise with eating the way i normally would, added to weight gain. I know we all saw that coming. I did, but i didn’t want to. I was angry, i was so mad that my body wouldn’t work the way it used to.
Id feel bad for myself, so i’d eat my plate of food, then feel guilty seconds or minutes later. At first is was nothing serious, i thought. I was just cut out one meal a day. it was breakfast on the firing line. I would deliberately go to sleep late so id wake up late, if its not breakfast time, i wouldn’t have to eat it. so id wake up at lunch time.
With staying up late, came to midnight munchies i guess you could call it. I would binge on several unhealthy foods, shovelling it in. Not only would i hate myself more but i felt worse about myself as well. I started binging more regularly, i could see my body gaining weight still. I felt like an elephant. I told myself if i vomit my biggest meal, every other day, id stop gaining weight and with hope, lose some.
I maintained my weight for a few weeks, i was starting to feel better, but this voice in the back of my head was telling me i had to be thinner to feel better about myself. So in turn, i starting vomiting more, i increased it to atlas once a day, about half an hour after food so i wasn’t losing all nutritional value.
I was losing weight! i felt lighter, i felt happier but i had no energy and looked even worse. I was the slimmest id ever been. I didn’t want to have to maintain this lifestyle, i didn’t want to have to do this for my whole life, just for what? what the scale or mirror says?
It was a constant battle with myself, i need to stop this before i get deathly ill, or keep going and be so perfect and slim. Some how this idea of beauty and perfection is always slim, skinny. No matter how far i got, no matter how skinny i became, it wasn’t good enough anymore. I had to go further, be ‘better’.
I wake up one morning and just thought, what am i doing, id made myself something to eat that night, i ate it, i went outside and i vomited. It wasn’t like i wanted to anymore, it was kind of a habit now. I stopped, i mentally took a step back and evaluated what i was doing. How did i get here, how did i get so lost down this tunnel?
Thats when i decided i had to change. I consciously made an effort to eat and distract myself after food so i wouldn’t just go and vomit. I told myself i was better. I avoided mirrors for a while, i didn’t want to be triggered back into that again.
I’ve had slip ups, I’m not perfect. for a couple of months i would still vomit once a week or so, not from habit, not from wanting to, but from my body reacting to actually keeping food down.
I put on weight, which turned out to be a great thing. After my ankles healed, i didn’t go back to a lot of exercise, i couldn’t and to be honest, i still can’t, my ankles were and are never going to be the same again.
However, i did learn one thing, if anything. Perfection isn’t attainable. Okay maybe two things. You are worth more then a number on a scale or a size of clothing. You are worth fighting for, you are worth it all.
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