Self harm, where do i begin? I think we should start with a trigger warning, if you feel uncomfortable or triggered by graphic content about self harm, please don’t read this blog post.
When i was 13, in year 7, all of my primary school friends had abandoned me, so i had to make new friends. i just gravitated towards the first people that seemed interested!
this however, lead me to a slightly wrong crowd.
The people that came to befriend me were older then me, they were 2 years older, which doesn’t seen that bad in the grand scheme of things, but in high school its a big difference, they’re in a totally different year, learning totally different things and dealing with different things at school and home, just in a different place in general.
One of my new friends, was a little sadistic, i guess we could say. She was always a bit over dramatic, taking things to far and getting upset over nothing, but i thought it was just girl hormones. That was until the day someone had made a joke about self harm, i was young and naive, i honestly had no idea about it. She then proceeded to rummage through her bag, upset and angry, she finally found her pencil case, i was still a little confused, but it happened so quickly, she pulled a long razor out of her pencil case, held it to her arm, pushed down and pulled the blade towards herself, slicing her arm open.
There was blood rippling out of her wound, in little ball type figures. She was laughing, the centre of attention again. By this point, there was a rather large crowd around us, its what she wanted, attention.
It wasn’t long after that, the bell rang and we had to go to class, i picked up my bag and just left, i didn’t know what to think.
It’d been a couple days from the incident and i hadn’t stopped thinking about it, wondering how it felt, would it be like a needle? or would it be like falling over and scraping your knee? The curiosity got the better of me one day, i’d just got home from school, i had heaps of homework and i was feeling overwhelmed, suddenly i had an urge to see what it was like.
I went through my pencil case, found my sharpener and pulled it apart using my scissors, i was feeling a rush of adrenaline, i placed the blade to my wrist,pushed down and pulling towards myself, just like id seen her do.
I suddenly felt calm, a sense of relief maybe. It was like all my adrenaline i had pent up for that moment, didn’t even exist. I didn’t bleed much, i stuck a bandaid on it and left it for a day or so.
The next time i felt a little stressed or overwhelmed, i thought, what would be the harm of doing it again? just once more, it’ll be okay, its probably just a passing phase.
Once a week, turned into once a day, which turned into multiple times a day, which escalated to keeping blade tied to my bracelets at school to be able to hurt myself without anyone knowing.
Self harm became my release, i was so dependant on it, if i didn’t do it, i would have a mental breakdown.
My self harm turned into self hate which escalated to suicide attempts, which will be in a future post, stay tuned for that.
If one person reads this and feels less alone, i am satisfied. you are not alone, you are never alone, there are plenty of other coping mechanisms, which i have a post on, to use instead of inflicting permanent harm on yourself.
Stay captivated, stay weird xx